An important revelation!!!!

An important revelation!!!!

“not-integrity” is that your innards are trying to get out in a frantic search for ‘something else.’

‘I no longer have to be “famous”!’ [famous=distraction]

‘I no longer have to be “rich”!’ [rich=distraction]

‘Sure, it would be nice to have a few positive/loving lifelong-female-companion-types & “a family of my own,”‘ – BUT IF I DON’T… here I am just the same. I do not focus on my lack of these things; I focus on who I am inside & the positives I’m learning to see. (For too long I’ve focused on the pain of missing a father & missing his support – I’ve focused on the fear of not feeling safe – I’ve focused on all the things I thought I wasn’t good-enough or smart-enough to get – things I thought would cover my unadequacies & inadequacies.)

And maybe it’s not even a measure of what I do to heal the problems I see in the world. I will fail… I may even fail to act; (you don’t have to force others to live by your “core values.”) But that is not an injurious spear. I have an important internal life. My emotions are powerful & valuable to me. That is a powerful beginning. I can be content with lacking things. I am a work in progress – improving overall & valuable-enough.

And even-deeper than my emotions is a trusting faith that there is purpose, and that I am enough to fulfill my purpose.

Integrity is a balanced internal life, content with one’s inner value, and less-concerned with the external things which can be thought to be missing, or which can be taken. ‘I am valuable, and I am okay with momentary inadequacies which will some day erode & crumble from the forces within.

Note: important masturbatory/fantasy information temporarily on-hold… to be updated, maybe. (Let’s just say that my usual fantasies were much-much [90+%] less-relevant.)

And how do I know this is an important revelation? Because that afternoon while checking out things in the back yard, I stepped onto a huge thorn. I yelped, hopped, cussed and removed it & threw it out of the way. Then I went to get it to show someone else, and I stepped onto a different one with my other foot! I yelped, cussed, then hopped, and removed it. (Now how’s that for a Christ complex!?)

[edit: & that’s not all… earlier in the day were three instances of… well: the first one was feeling like a tiny bug crawling down my leg, I dismissed this as the wind going through the car, (while leaving a church). The second instance felt like small, slightly-painful pull at the (very-little bit) of man-hair* on the top of my feet. I dismissed this as just a hot & sticky day (psychometeorologically on the lower edge of “oppressive”). Then the last one was again, feeling like a little bug was crawling down my foot where the tiniest of hairs are. I dismissed this as a fruit fly or gnat checking-out my finished piece of fruit; or the last grasp of a demon falling-away from me!]

*just scraping the thought of “Psychology of Hate”> {just sayin’}

copyright 2014

[Edit: Also wondering why this (pictured) isn’t linking]

missing youtube link

missing link [NTBCW “Sic Semper Tyrannus]

 

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